Useless Ramble.

I find it harder and harder to wake up with a smile as every day passes, knowing that no matter how much I search for something to fill this hole, I find nothing... just an empty black void in my heart constantly reminding me of its presence. Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can hold up this mask, this mask of happiness, of joy, of mirth, all the positive emotions people want to see. I truly find myself more apt to crying...I thought for a time I lost that ability, I was wrong another thing I was lying to myself about. I really should tell myself to Suck it up and deal with it, cause I should. I don't need to rant about my problems, they don't seem that bad.
After awhile it gets harder, I thought it would be better in college.... it just made me realize even more that I'm really just there if I make myself known, if i'm just there, people forget I'm there. Such a wonderful feeling knowing that all you are is just a shadow. Eh I should be used to it, its nothing new, been that way since the start of junior high, only because being open and trusting got me stabbed in the back. Not to mention every time afterward I tried to be open its just the same bull shit of getting stabbed in the back. And people wonder why i'm not that open about much, some things sure i'll talk about but... no, I don't give out my life story easily, only if you have my trust and even then not very many people have that.
In reality I've mostly been trying to distract myself...which in itself is hard when you can't exactly sit down very much without having to do something. Hence why typing on a keyboard is comforting while I sit in a lecture, I'm more apt to pay attention to what the teacher is saying. Even if it may seem that I'm doing something completely opposite of what I should be doing, multi tasking is such an interesting trait that I hold, even if it does get me in some trouble.
Well... enough of my ranting, I really don't feel like many will read this anyway, just some useless ramble about my existence, bet of luck to the rest of you.